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KR: How far can I go in my physical relationship before marriage? |
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Written by Editor
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No matter, I’m going to go on the conservative side today as I answer
this question. If you and your partner decide I’m whacked and want to
take this advice down a notch or two, so be it. With that disclaimer,
here are a couple thoughts:
First remember that the devil will always promise you more than your
gonna get, take you further than you want to go, and make you pay more
than your able to pay. I meet more and more people today who have
decided that “sex” is just about intercourse. Thus partner to partner
manual stimulation, oral sex, grinding, etc. are all within bounds. Not
long ago, I was talking to some high school girls who have all made
“abstinence only” commitments through their local churches and even
wear the pretty rings. Still they feel totally justified attending
“blow-job” parties with the boyfriends because technically they are not
having sex. Such logic couldn’t be further from the truth.
Putting all the sexually transmitted disease issues aside, sex is more
than intercourse. Biblically when Paul refers to sex in the seventh
chapter of first Corinthians, he begins by saying it's good for a man
to "not touch" a woman. Paul knew those who were unmarried could better
serve God, and wanted those who could abstain to not marry. But look at
the word Paul used - "touch". The same Greek word is used repeatedly
when Jesus touched people to heal them, and it means "to fasten one's
self to, adhere to, cling to". The word is intimate, but not inherently
sexual. It sure seems that Paul was concerned about more than just
sexual intercourse - he seems to be excluding all intimate contact
between unmarried men and women. Of course you can argue that Paul was
living in a very different time and culture than we are today. That’s
true.
Hey, in today’s culture, where boundaries are becoming more and more
permeable, Jesus still invites us to live from a much more radical and
challenging place. Our relationships should be life-giving, not
life-stealing. Our contact with others should reflect God’s goodness,
not taint it. Ultimately how that is walked out must be guided by the
Holy Spirit.
Secondly, here is a good rule of thumb about how we draw a Godly line
regarding what we can and can not do with a man or woman to whom we are
not married. Read that statement again - "to whom we are not married."
Just think about it logically—if I as a married man, rubbed on the
crotch of a woman's jeans other than my wife’s, would it be sin? It is
not likely my wife would say "It's okay, it's not sex". No, she would
probably give me a pretty severe beating and then pack her bags to move
to her sisters house…
Or look at it this way, if a wife performed oral sex on some man other
than her husband, would he be wrong to be upset because "it's not sex?"
Clearly these examples are cases of sexual sin! If it's sexual sin for
a married person to do these things with another, then how can it not
be sexual, or not be sin, for two single people to do these things? Why
would it be alright to do these things with anyone we feel close to
while we are single, but not after we marry?
So think about a healthy married couple you know and respect. If you
are really trying to find some physical boundaries to live within just
ask how you would feel if the spouse of that married couple was
behaving the same way with someone they were not married to. Chances
are that’ll keep you life-giving in your relationship.
I invite your comments and ideas… What have you found helps you navigate the physical boundaries of dating relationships?
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Dr. Eric Sandras |
Having received his PH.D. in Human Development and Family Relations from
Oregon State University , Eric Sandras is part of the next generation of
leaders whom God is using to "raise the bar" in the relationships, faith,
and life decisions of a postmodern generation. He is passionate about
family, emergent church issues, and having extra butter on his popcorn at
the movie theater.
Check out Eric's outstanding first book: Buck Naked Faith
Take off your designer, postmodern phoniness. Strip off your pretty sounding words. Get your faith naked.
Honest
and gritty, Eric Sandras encourages a generation of believers to drop
the layers of make-believe nonsense that stunts our spiritual growth.
What emerges is a positive alternative to life-crushing counterfeit
faiths many of us are trying our best to work through.
To do
this, there's no secret handshake or magic formula, but there is vision
and encouragement to take the risk and get dangerously real with God.
He exposes the naked truth: We need to dress our lives with a real
friendship with God and nothing else.
Buy 'Buck Naked Faith'
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Sex and Christianity? 
