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For Better or Worse: Church Planting Affects Marriage |
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Written by Janice Tarleton
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For Better or Worse: Church Planting Affects Marriage
By Janice Tarleton
Vineyard Church Anthem
“For better, for worse, For richer, for poorer, In sickness and in health…”
Maybe marriage vows for Christians – or at least Vineyardites – should include “in church planting.” Not that it would really prepare you for possible perils ahead, but at least you could say you were warned.
Hands down, church planting has been the biggest challenge of our nearly 25-year marriage. When we left Vineyard Christian Fellowship of North Phoenix in May 2001 to start a church a few miles north in Del Webb’s idyllic master-planned family community of Anthem, it was bittersweet. We felt like Abraham, leaving behind our beloved homeland, yet looking forward to the promises of a new land, exponential expansion of the Kingdom and, of course, converts as countless as the stars.
To our family and marriage, the “promised land” felt more like a pressure cooker with the heat turned on high as we experienced a number of the top “major life stressers” all at once:
* Moving. After 10 years in the same house, transplanting four children into a new community and new schools was emotionally challenging for them and us.
* Loss of friends and family. Leaving our church of 13 years – the only one our children really remembered – and the daily interaction with friends and co-workers.
* Changing jobs. Terry left his job of eight years (Senior Associate Pastor at VCFNP) and started a handyman business. I went from freelance writing to a more than full-time job 26 miles away.
* Financial problems caused by the job situation, a significant jump in the mortgage and assorted vehicle issues: One died; one was stolen; one caught on fire; another was wrecked.
* Feelings of failure. While we had anticipated the church would quickly outgrow the 100-seat hotel meeting room, we hovered at 30-50 members for more than two years while other churches in the community gained hundreds.
* 9/11/01. An event that shook our personal and national security.
In total, the pressure was almost unbearable and, on top of it, we were just plain tired. I was mad at God for calling us to this, mad at Terry for saying “yes” to God, and convinced that Terry had married the wrong person because obviously I wasn’t cut out to be a “pastor’s wife.” Depression set in, accompanied by bouts of early morning anxiety. I wanted to run away…where I didn’t know…just somewhere away from reality.
Four and a half years later, I’m happy to report that we are still here; still married – even happily; and church and family are doing well. We love our church and are thankful we stuck it out. The bottom line is that God was faithful to us, but below are a few practical helps:
1. Hear God’s call for yourself. It’s not enough for your spouse to hear God’s call to be a church planter, you need to hear it too. As much as I wanted to run away, it wasn’t an option because I knew we were called to plant this church – God had confirmed it in a vivid dream. Really, that was all that kept me – kept us – going during the hard times.
2. Seek professional help. A counselor working in conjunction with a primary care physician diagnosed me with both low thyroid and long-term chronic depression. Neither one of us believed much in medication and it was a humbling experience to seek help, but medication made a world of difference in my physical, emotional and even mental thought processes.
3. Ask for prayer. Let trusted leaders or friends know of your struggles and let them pray for you – in person.
4. Find a friend or mentor or two. You need a mature Christian or two, preferably outside your church, with whom you can be totally “real” and honest. Meet with them on a regular basis and let them speak truth into your life.
5. Be there for your children. Watch for signs of stress – sadness, outbursts of anger, friendship problems, or trouble sleeping. It may take some probing to get them to talk, but they will likely need your help in coping with major life changes. You might even consider professional counseling.
6. Separate church and dates. Take time, on a regular basis, to spend time with your spouse – and don’t talk about church. If that leaves you speechless, take along some icebreaker questions to stimulate conversation.
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Used by Permission
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