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Overcoming Steeple Envy |
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Written by Bill Faris
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Overcoming Steeple Envy
I was still in my twenties when I first went to one of those denominational pow-wows for pastors. As a newly-minted assistant pastor, I circulated among the big boys and observed their way of talking shop. It was interesting to note how conversations always seemed to turn to the topic of comparative church size. I actually heard one man ask another: “How many ya’ runnin’?” I was a little stunned. Had I somehow wandered into a cattle rancher’s convention?
Now I’m much older and a senior pastor with a church of my own. Although some things about the professional ministry environment have changed since those days, one thing hasn’t: when it comes to church success, size still matters. It is a phenomenon sometimes known as “steeple envy”.
As a small church pastor, steeple envy is an affliction with which I am well acquainted. Not that I should be. I love my church. Indeed; in many ways these have been the best days of my ministry experience. Furthermore, I believe my flock considers our faith community to be sound, loving, vibrant and full of potential. We desire our church to grow and we want to more deeply affect our community. Nevertheless, from the beginning the Crown Valley Vineyard has consistently numbered about one hundred souls. Experts say this is average for an American church. So, why then do I so often feel “below average” as a pastor?
I suppose it would be easy to blame megachurches for the stubborn insecurities that haunt me and so many other small church leaders. The fact that our church meets within five miles of one of America’s most “mega” certainly influences our self-perception as a small congregation. And yet, I must admit that our nearby megachurch pastor has never said or done anything to cast aspersions on the rest of us. On the contrary, he seems to really care about pastors and churches of all sizes. But like it or not, the megachurch phenomenon has redefined our notions of ministry success. After all, if a church of one hundred is a good church, then a church of twenty thousand must be two hundred times better! Right?
Professional Jealousy
I confess that I sometimes still get hooked by the futility of trying to compare our small church ministry to the ministry of the megachurch. There is no way we can even begin to match the astounding panoply of classes, groups, youth and children’s programs, musical talent, multi-media dazzle, global impact and community gravitas of a megachurch. When one of our church families recently told me they were leaving because “ABC Church” (the 800 pound gorilla down the street) has so much more for our kids,” it stung. What could I say? Like the guy running a boutique next door to a Wal-Mart, there are times I wonder whether our church matters at all.
In more lucid moments I recognize that my steeple envy is just another form of the pervasive professional jealousy that afflicts actors, educators, politicians, housewives, students, law enforcement officials and pretty much everyone else in our society. I’m pretty sure that even criminals envy one another (“How does that two-bit crook get away with robbing banks while I’m still knocking off 7-11’s?”) Songwriter Van Morrison gets it right when he observes: “Professional jealousy makes no exception; it can happen to anyone, at any time.” Sadly, this includes pastors like me.
I suppose I should find some comfort in knowing that my generation did not invent competition in ministry. Indeed; we see evidence of insecurity, petty jealousy and bickering among God’s people throughout the Bible. Notice, for example, how the Apostle Paul warned the believers of his day: “If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other” (Galatians 5: 15). And Luke’s gospel records a particularly ill-timed outbreak of carnal competition among Christ’s own disciples at the Last Supper when “a dispute arose among them, as to which of them was considered to be greatest” (Luke 22: 24). Oi vey!
All of this says a lot about how we church leaders need to maintain our spiritual maturity, emotional wholeness and godly perspective. I have reason to believe that steeple envy, like all of our other sins, flaws and foibles, can be overcome with God’s help. Still, it is a battle we may need to fight day-by-day. Here are some things I believe can really help.
Look For the Roots
One thing is to recognize the links that may exist between our present insecurities and those of our youth. Doing so can help us get control of persistently envious and self-diminishing thoughts by cutting them off at the root,
I can trace a good many of my own insecurities to early childhood. As the youngest member of my family (by far), I was forever trying to catch up to my older brothers and sister. Because of the yawning age gap between us, I resented my status as the “baby of the family” who was never on their level. The result was an early childhood craving to be accepted by my older siblings and other older peers. This followed me into my teenage years. As an aspiring rock drummer, I can recall how deeply I longed to be accepted by the older musicians I attempted to jam with while still a freshman in high school. As hard as I tried to keep up with the skills of the more accomplished players, I was forced to once again admit that I was out of my league.
But suddenly, at age fifteen, I found Jesus and this discovery caused my whole world to radically change. My new faith thrust me into an entirely different social environment. I was amazed at how freely my brothers and sisters in Christ offered me their unqualified fellowship and acceptance. It was so healing, so empowering and so refreshing. From the start, I enthusiastically participated in our Bible Studies, outreaches and other gatherings and, before long, my spiritual “elders” (kids in their late teens and twenties!) began to speak of me as an up-and-coming leader. Their input helped me to believe that life could have purpose and meaning within my reach. By the time I was finished with high school I determined that, if God would have me, I would pursue a full-time church leadership lifestyle.
For years, the adventure of preparing for and entering into full time ministry masked my youthful sense of smallness and insignificance. At first, the rocket ship of my new faith pushed me through the gravity of my latent self-judgments, but I eventually felt their pull again. On the outside I was an emerging Christian leader. But inside, I still questioned whether I would ever amount to much.
One way this showed up was in my propensity toward hero worship. When in the presence of more seasoned Christian leaders, I regarded myself as something of a gnome among giants. It wasn’t until I began to see a number of these giants fall that I began to reassess my assumptions. Tough questions emerged: Why did I find it so easy to “go small” around these people? Why couldn’t I see my own future apart from theirs? Why was I so in awe of them that I couldn’t see their downfall coming?
Thanks to time spent in Christian therapy, I began to unravel the tangled roots of my self-perception -- especially where they had become intertwined with my fundamental childhood insecurities. The grace of God in that therapeutic environment brought needed healing, reconciliation and enlightenment. I began to achieve a new freedom to be myself in life and in Christian service. My own changes motivated me to pursue a graduate degree in pastoral counseling. At that time, I was very much enjoying my role as an assistant pastor in a large church but, as I began to complete my studies, I perceived a call from God to start a new church near my home. It was a mission that filled me with expectation, adventure and at least some dread. Could I really plant a church of my own?
In my mind, I envisioned our new church as something that would start small but quickly swell to a much grander size. This hoped-for vitality and growth would make the case that I was a success in my life and ministry. I had it all figured out. But, God had other plans -- plans to use this new faith venture to drill even further down into the remainders of my distorted self regard.
The Big Ugly
As time passed and the church stubbornly refused to surpass one hundred in size, I began to realize that my steeple envy was more than just a matter of leftover childhood insecurities. There was, in fact, a virulent and evil sinfulness within me -- one that would need to be ruthlessly confronted and repeatedly repented of.
I began to encounter it after hearing the news that a local “superstar” pastor had fallen into sexual immorality and was being removed from his position of church leadership. Up to that time, he had accomplished much in his public ministry. He wrote books, spoke at conferences and planted a rapidly growing church with a Bible School and first-rate musical team. Now, his ministry success story was being cut short by his moral failure. Inside myself I quietly rejoiced.
“Everyone thought he was such a hotshot”, I secretly mused. “But look at me -- I’m still here, I’m still faithful. My part in God’s work may be small, but at least it is long lasting and untainted by scandal.” I continued to nurse these and other sinfully sick attitudes for several weeks. Then, one unforgettable day, the Holy Spirit caused me to tune in to my own self-talk. What I heard appalled me. I was full of the Big Ugly -- vain and prideful sin. Tearfully, I broke down and confessed the bitter evil in my heart to God. Receiving His mercy, I began to sincerely pray for my fallen pastor-brother and his reeling congregation.
Next, I wrote the elders of the hurting church, expressing my solidarity with them as a local Christian leader and pledging my prayers. All this was a good start, but God was not done with me. By rejoicing in my brother’s fall, I knew I had somehow crossed the line that separates mere human weakness from evil. Although I had confessed my sins, repented of them and made a godly course correction, I knew there was one more thing left to do. I would need to go before my flock and ask their forgiveness.
The following Sunday morning, I stood before my congregation and told them what I had thought, what I had felt and what I had done. I explained that my repentance, though in process, could only be completed if they would forgive me for my sin against them and the Body of Christ as a whole. I couldn’t help but weep as I expressed my sorrow and need. Even so, I could also feel something very special as a great sense of mercy and forgiveness broke through. That morning, we joined in prayer as a church to pray for me, our fallen brother and for the congregation he had left behind. By these means the Big Ugly of my wicked pride lost its power over me and was nailed at last to my Savior’s cross where it could do no further harm.
The Power of Four
While it is vital that we make gains in our spiritual battles, it is equally important to maintain and further our progress. For me, nothing has been more helpful than my participation in a “Power of Four” group. Our church has several P-4 groups that meet each week at various times and in various places. During the group meeting, I can talk about who I really am with three other men I respect and they can do the same with me. Our entire agenda each week is to go “life-on-life” with each other as brothers in Christ. Now some of the ladies in our congregation are forming groups, too.
It is amazing to experience the power of talking, praying and processing our lives together in the context of grace-filled relationships. Through these meetings, “my guys” know about my interior battles with pastoral insignificance. They have seen me wrestle with feelings of jealousy, envy, self-diminishment and frustration and responded by lending me their faith, companionship, insights and prayers. Although I have had to overcome the embarrassment of admitting to them that I have became entangled again in my familiar struggles; they always reward my honesty with their patient care, reassurance and listening ears. In addition, the feedback I receive from the guys gives me much needed perspective while their prayers invite much-needed strength and healing into my experience. As a result; I change. I grow. I repent. I live again -- “yet not I but Christ lives in me; and the life which I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave Himself for me” (Galatians 2: 20 NKJV). Their presence in my life has been invaluable.
Sometimes, my pastor friends express concerns about the way I become so vulnerable to men from my own church. Isn’t this dangerous, they ask? Aren’t I putting myself at too much risk? I don’t believe so. To me, it is much more risky for Christian leaders to remain unknown and alone in their struggles than to share them with brothers they can trust. Typically, guys find it easy to speak out of the surface of their lives to each other and avoid the more difficult discussions. I, however, have come to see my Christian brothers as God-given comrades. Side-by-side, we can fight for one another as we face life’s tougher battles. I am never stronger, more clear-headed or more ready to take tough steps than I am after meeting in the Power of Four.
Not Terminal
My experience tells me that steeple envy, while real, does not have to be terminal. God has given us spiritual and relational resources sufficient to counteract its debilitating power if we will but choose to employ them. By tapping the God-given resources He has placed within reach we can overcome latent steeple envy before it overcomes us -- and wouldn’t that be refreshing?
Bill Faris
Pastor, Crown Valley Vineyard Church
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